This is a piece that I'm still working on....after all, I'm still learning in each and every day who I am and what I want out of life and love. It started as a piece written by ^cat^, one of the International MaleDom/femsub Guild members. It appealed to me because we have similiar tastes, similiar needs, and rewriting what doesn't quite fit as a good way to settle, and clear my mind about why I'm here, and what I want from a potential partner.
I'm not single anymore. I've found a wonderful Dom and married him. But perhaps this essay is still useful for other seekers.
First off....I'm after the long haul. I desire commitment. If we start talking about collaring me, or a Master/slave relationship, know that that means something very much like an engagement ring to me. I desire to give all that I am, as deeply as I am able, to a Master who will give his all to me as well. Someone who will deeply treasure all that I can give to him, and take my needs and desires as his own, to use and control as he wishes but always with my best interests at heart. Someone who will make me the centre of his life and love....just outside of his own sense of self-love, as indeed, I will make him the centre of my own life and love.
I've been burned before, and I have this deep-seated fear that once all of my barriers are down and he sees my deepest, most intimate self...he'll run screaming away in the night. Hell, it's already happened. If he can face up to that, and stay, we might have a chance. I have learned a great deal, especially in my most recent relationship, about my abilities to survive loss, and who the indestructible person is at my core. I'll be the first to admit that I still have some pretty strong defence systems in this touchy spot, but I'm a little more willing to let people in now...because I'm not as afraid of what they'll find there, and I know I can survive, and even grow from the departure of an intimate, if it happens again.
Good communication is vital and this is a two way street. He must be willing to open up and share with me all of his fears and pains as well. I need this to trust him....to let him in. I desire a mate with whom I can share all that I am, hiding nothing. I desire a mate who wishes to share all that he is with me as well.
To lie, cheat, or evade self-examination and sharing with one's Significant Other is cowardice and not befitting a Dominant, or a submissive, for that matter. It is, however, perfectly human behaviour and compassion and good communciation can get us past a lot. He must also be able to show me that he has some control of himself, and those fears and pains...that he doesn't let them control him.
I desire a caring and very attentive man, one who will take the time to get to know me, to really get inside my head, and one who won't neglect the D/s dynamic that draws together while doing so. I can doubt in a split second....I need a man who wants to be with me, wants to talk to me on a daily basis, who actively demonstrates his caring whenever he can, and still manage that fine trick of not smothering me. Disappearing for days at a time without explanation or warning, and coming back with 'oh gee slave, I got busy with work, accept it or get outta here'....just isn't acceptable behaviour to me. It isn't responsible, respectful, or even polite, in my books.
I am who I am in all aspects of my life. I am the same person in a D/s setting as outside it, just more so. Vanilla, or D/s...what dictates my conversational topics are social necessities, the degree of 'outness' of the people I'm with, or my Master's choices. I can talk about books, music, and floggers just as comfortably kneeling and naked, as clothed and walking in the park.
I don't place arbitary barriers between 'vanilla' and 'BDSM' in my life, and I like it that way. I'm quiet about my sex life at work because that's part of any work culture, regardless of one's preferences, but if someone there asked me straight out if I was kinky, I would answer them honestly. I deeply respect people with the same principled 'open book' attitude toward their own lives. Not that my partner needs to flaunt it in every step, but a quiet principled willingness to stand up for something so integral a part of his life as his sexuality....his need for erotic Domination.
Following up on that lack of division....I spend some of my social life in the D/s community. I like to be with people that I don't have to hide parts of my life with. People that I can be my whole and true self with. Men with a need to hide in the shadows and not participate in the Kink community need not apply, but if you are willing to throw your two cents into the discussion on a community mailing list, or be by my side at the local Munches....we've got a good chance of hitting it off well. :)
I desire affection, silly times, cuddling. And yet I want disagreements, not of major things but of those that let you know the other person IS a person in their own right. And then there's that romance stuff. This is very important to me. Sometimes it's in a word or gesture, sometimes in a gift or action, but for me to feel fulfilled in a relationship it needs to be there, even if not constantly out in the open. *grins* Flowers work, as do candlelight romantic dinners, and being whisked away for a romantic weekend in a lush hotel.
I desire to offer sexual submission with all that entails, but to also be subject to his will at any time. I would choose to live in a position of slavery, of sub-space keyed only to one will at all times. I desire a 24/7 committment...this doesn't mean I need to be micro-managed. (Although micro-management....choosing my clothes, having to ask permission to pee, what I eat... has it's joys on a short term basis as well.) I intend to experience the knowledge that the trust I give him is returned, and sometimes this will mean delegating portions of our life to me....like household finances or cooking...whatever I am good at that he'd rather not do, or show me that I am cherished with stuff that he would like to do, but realize I'm better at handling.
*grins* I'll bet you're wondering just what 'sexual submission' means to me? First, I need lots and lots and lots of sex....rough, wild, passionate, _fun_ sex. If you have a weak libido, or consciously seperate pain play and D/s from sex, please don't approach me. I'm also very open-minded to the idea of trying out some of the more ...intense, and exotic forms of sexual interaction. But you're gonna have to earn some of my trust to get me to detail that rather oblique reference. :)
I'm polysexual, but not polyamorous. I can't handle the divided
feelings in a relationship this intense. I think that we should agree to a
time of complete monogamy while we're both getting our feet under us in
this relationship, and then, if the spirit is willing, open it up after
that time.... in a play sense first, and sexually if that works. Although
at that point, I would like my body to be my Master's to use or share at
his will. I don't expect to choose any future partners but I do expect to
be listened to and heard, and if I'm sure of that, his will overrides my
fears and desires because I know in the end that he has my best interests
Still in all of that, I need to know that our hearts won't be shared with others. I adore possessiveness as much as I detest jealousy and to know that he has claimed me is a warm feeling.
I desire pain as pleasure. I need a dominant who is an erotic sadist,
who thrills to hear my screams, watch my tears, and is aroused by them,
yet it comes from the desire to nurture my love of the sensations and not
just a blanket desire to cause pain. I want sexuality to be an integral
part of the pain, desiring the line to blur. I adore erotic humiliation
not for the humiliation itself but because I love the rush even when I'm
all flushed, and because it teaches me something about my own inner
strengths to endure that for him.
Most importantly to both pain and humiliation is the intense, deep emotional and spiritual connection that this kind of play can bring to both of us.
Know that when I trust him fully, I will give over control of all of my life....and he has to use that control so it doesn't slip off and get lost, as control can so easily do. I'm not saying I'd constantly challenge but that if he doesn't take advantage of what I've offered then I'll feel unappreciated. I need to be told when I'm pleasing and when I'm not, so I don't feel as though I'm being taken for granted, or worse, ignored. I desire a live-in warmth, a strong controlling presence to come home to, a reason to walk in the door and let my outer shell of who and what I am disappear on the doorstep. Even if we're not involved in active play I crave the undercurrents. If I'm performing acts of submission without receiving his gift of domination, even subtly, I get frustrated and feel as though my submission is being taken for granted.
I love both subtle and not so subtle domination, the public gestures that could seem so blase but are actually much more. If he doesn't desire or do such things then he's not making full use of my submission. If the lack is desire then the match wouldn't be a good one, I'm too much of a not totally out of the closet exhibitionist. He must desire to take so that I may give.
I need a man with a dry sense of humor about the world, a sense of the spiritual in all that we do, and intelligence. He should have a personal drive and goals for constant self-improvement. I want someone who will appreciate the love of learning, and deep passion for life that I can bring to the relationship, who will appreciate me for my brains, and my sense of the spiritual, as well as my sexuality. Someone who will appreciate the things that I can teach him as well....our life experiences will be different and we can learn and grow from, and with each other.
I'm bisexual, and have spent a great deal of time in a community that I still adore, 'though increasingly at a distance....the radical lesbian feminist community. I want a man with enough self-confidence to know that when I'm railing against the patriarchy, I don't necessarily mean him personally and when I do, be willing to consider that I might have a point. I want a man who doesn't take the cheap route out and place our particular male Dominant/female submissive relationship in the "all men are dominant, all women are submissive" category. I need a man who cherishes what I give him because he knows it is my free choice to do so, and not some gender-encoded pre-destination.
I also have a switch inside that is curious to explore topping another woman...I would find myself deeply cherished and trusted to be taught some topping skills and co-top another woman together....still knowing that I am his slave. Despite this curiousity and desire to Top another woman, I have no desire to switch in the relationship...for him, I wish to be fully submissive, fully his slave. It is very important to me, that he wishes to be fully Dominant with me as well.
I desire someone who will experiment with new and devious things, will come up with off the wall surprises, and be willing and able to call a halt to something if it goes beyond acceptable boundaries. Sometimes it's hard to back down, even when you see something isn't going the way you thought it would. So he has to be able to admit failure, or partial failure, and go on or back down, depending on the situation. He must be able to accept responsibility appropriately and apologize when it is necessary.
I love being controlled, indeed, I relish it. But I also need a certain amount of freedom to be the person that he grew to love. I may not always kneel but when I do it's an act of love and respect, not done because it's part of the deal.
Oh, there's many physical attributes that I find attractive in a man but they're not necessary other than a few. More than 30 lbs or so overweight and my libido goes downhill. In addition, prefer him to be taller than my own 5'4" frame. I'm not adverse to some body decorations like tattoos or piercings, but an excess of either or a lack of good taste, and I won't be attracted. Other than those basics, if the command voice is there and the pheromones, it doesn't matter that he might not ever make Playgirl centerfold. Although I'll admit to a certain fascination with long, full-bodied hair on a guy, it isn't a requirement...just a bonus. :)
In return for being all of this to and for me, I give every little bit of myself. Laughter and tears of all kinds, honesty and obedience to the best of my ability, devotion, loyalty, respect tempered with good-natured irreverance, playfulness and eventually, love. I'll be friend, lover, life partner, confidant, receiver of pain, giver of pleasure, in short, I'll be me. Which means there will be stubbornness, insecurities, anger, fears, and sometimes petulance along with the rest of the package. He must be able to deal with that, handle it and help me get past the negative and back to being focused on him. That's what I really want, after all; to be the light for someone who is in turn MY light.
It helps to have music, politics, activities in common, but an exact match isn't necessary. I'll argue passionately about a belief and love him just as much if it isn't his... as long as he's willing to do the same.
There's so much more than I've put in these paragraphs, so many things I can't find words to describe or that don't occur to me until they happen... or they don't when I need such. *grins* So, what are you waiting for? Are you the Master for me?